Breathing Space and Values
Breathing Space, a poem by Judy Brown
What makes a fire burn is space between the logs, a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing, too many logs packed in too tight can douse the flames
almost as surely as a pail of water would.
So building fires requires attention to the spaces in between, as much as to the wood.
When we are able to build open spaces in the same way
we have learned to pile on the logs,
then we can come to see how it is fuel,
and absence of the fuel
together, that make fire possible
We only need to lay a log lightly from time to time.
A fire grows simply because the space is there,
with openings in which the flame
that knows just how it wants to burn
can find its way.
– Judy Brown
“When the culture of any organization mandates that it is more important to protect the reputation of a system and those in power than it is to protect the basic human dignity of the individuals who serve that system or who are served by that system, you can be certain that the shame is systemic, the money is driving ethics, and the accountability is all but dead.” -Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness
Recently, as I began creating content on the topic of values for both a course I developed, and for #LeavingWell clients, the connection between the workplace and healthier transitions became clear. It makes sense that the companies and organizations we work for have their own values. In fact, strong mission, vision, and values are a key component of the health of any organization. But what about when they create a conflict with your own personal values? Perhaps the conflict won’t be as dire as a failure to protect human dignity, as mentioned in Brene’s quote above, but is more reminiscent of this:
“In those moments when we start putting other voices in front of our own, we forget what made us go into the arena in the first place, the reason we’re there. We forget our values. Or, frequently, we don’t even know what they are or how to name them.” -Brene Brown, Dare to Lead
val·ue
/ˈvalyo͞o/
the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.
individual beliefs that motivate people to act one way or another.
”Values - it turns out - light our way.” -Karen Walrond
Karen Walrond talks about a beautiful exercise for naming personal values, which she learned from Andrea Scher. Taking a piece of paper, she shares in her book The Lightmaker’s Manifesto, that Andrea directed them to “write the names of three people you deeply admire. These could be people you know in real life, or they could be someone famous. You can choose a fictional character. You can choose someone who is alive or someone who passed long ago.”
Moving along in Chapter 6, Karen shares that the next step was to identify why those names made the list. Free-writing and capturing all of the reasons for the admiration, love, and respect, the next step was to identify traits or personality concepts that appeared multiple times, even if in slightly different forms. Finally, it was divulged that the reasons for this exercise was that the traits from each name that made the list contained a clue as to the participant’s own core values. For example, when I completed this exercise myself, one of the people who made my list was my grandfather. Some of the reasons I named him as someone I deeply admire: his outstanding patience and foundational consistency.
“We tend to pick our heroes because they reflect back to us the values and beliefs that are most important to who we want to be.” -Andrea Scher
A more typical way to identify your values (which can be a lovely companion to the exercise shared above) is to take about 10 minutes and go through the following few steps.
Circle words from the list below that resonate with you as important values. Choose what feels aligned, but don’t spend too much time. If you desire to have the value / concept in your future life, also choose it. If you notice a value is not included, write it in. For some people, crossing OFF the things that do not resonate help to narrow down the list.
For some people, answering these questions will help:
What’s really, really important to you?
What matters to you the most?
What’s non-negotiable?
What’s something you don’t go without?
What makes a good person? What characteristics?
Abundance
Acceptance
Accountability
Achievement
Adventure
Advocacy
Ambition
Appreciation
Attractiveness
Autonomy
Balance
Being
Being the Best
Benevolence
Boldness
Brilliance
Calmness
Caring
Challenge
Charity
Cheerfulness
Cleverness
Collaboration
Community
Commitment
Compassion
Consistency
Contribution
Connection
Cooperation
Courage
Creativity
Credibility
Curiosity
Daring
Decisiveness
Dedication
Dependability
Diversity
Empathy
Encouragement
Enthusiasm
Ethics
Excellence
Expressiveness
Fairness
Family
Flexibility
Friendships
Freedom
Fun
Generosity
Grace
Growth
Happiness
Health
Honesty
Humility
Humor
Inclusiveness
Independence
Individuality
Innovation
Inspiration
Intelligence
Intuition
Joy
Kindness
Knowledge
Leadership
Learning
Love
Loyalty
Making a Difference
Mindfulness
Motivation
Optimism
Open-Mindedness
Originality
Passion
Performance
Personal Development
Peace
Perfection
Playfulness
Popularity
Power
Preparedness
Presence
Proactivity
Professionalism
Punctuality
Quality
Recognition
Relationships
Reliability
Resilience
Resourcefulness
Responsibility
Responsiveness
Risk Taking
Safety
Security
Self-Awareness
Self-Control
Selflessness
Services
Simplicity
Spirituality
Stability
Success
Teamwork
Thankfulness
Thoughtfulness
Traditionalism
Truth
Trustworthiness
Understanding
Uniqueness
Usefulness
Versatility
Vision
Warmth
Wealth
Well-being
Wisdom
Zeal
Next, group the words you circled above in a way that makes sense to you. Create NO more than 5 groups. If you notice more than 5 groups, eliminate the one that feels least important to you. See the example below.
Group 1 - Abundance, Growth, Wealth, Security, Freedom
Group 2 - Acceptance, Compassion, Inclusiveness, Intuition, Kindness
Group 3 - Appreciation, Encouragement, Thankfulness, Thoughtfulness. Mindfulness
Group 4 - Balance, Health. Personal Development. Spirituality, Well-being
Group 5 - Fun, Happiness, Humor, Inspiration. Joy
Next, choose ONE word from each group that best represents the rest of the values in each group. Pick what feels right and aligned to you. In the example below, we picked one word from each of the 5 groups in the above table.
Group 1: Freedom
Group 2: Kindness
Group 3: Mindfulness
Group 4: Well-being
Group 5: Joy
Values are Verbs.
Next? Make each of your core values actionable by adding a verb to them. This will guide you to take aligned actions with what's most important to you. Below are examples:
Embody freedom.
Seek opportunities to always be kind.
Practice mindfulness.
Prioritize well-being.
Choose joy.
Finally, order your descriptive verb-based values according to what feels right to you. Feel free to post this list somewhere you can see often!
Embody freedom
Prioritize well-being
Practice mindfulness
Choose joy
Seek opportunities to always be kind.
Operationalizing or prioritizing your values in this way helps you make really impactful decisions about the way you live your life, including the way you show up for your work. The reason for this exercise is not only to help you identify your personal values, but to ultimately connect and correlate them to your work.
Definition of “your work” = this can be what you do when you go into the office, or a passion project. It can be the things that make up how you spend the majority of your day, and it can be paid or unpaid.
When we are out of alignment with our values, many things suffer. When there isn’t enough breathing space between the logs, as beautifully written in the poem shared at the beginning of this piece, it’s a sure sign of ensuing damage or problems waiting to fester.
If you find yourself far away from your values, now is as good a time as any to check in with yourself.
Where can you find a few simple and accessible ways to embody your values?
How can you turn your values into verbs?
How can you help the flame, find its way?
Suggested Reading:
The Lightmaker’s Manifesto, Karen Walrond
Dare to Lead, Brene Brown
Braving the Wilderness, Brene Brown
Riverbanks, Naomi Hattaway
”I believe we are all a spark of the divine, and if that spark is nurtured, it can become a burning flame, an eternal force of light.” -John Lewis