i remember the minute.
it was like a switch was flipped-
i was just a kid who grew up strong enough
to pick this armor up
and suddenly it fit.
God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago...
i was little, i was weak, perfectly naive
and i grew up too quick.
now you won’t see all that i have to lose
and all i've lost in the fight to protect it.
i won’t let you in. i swore never again-
i can't afford, no, i refuse to be rejected.
i want to break these bones 'til they're better.
i want to break them right and feel alive.
you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong-
my healing needed more than time.
when i see fragile things, helpless things, broken things,
i see the familiar.
i was little, i was weak, i was perfect too,
now i’m a broken mirror.
but i can't let you see all that i have to lose,
all i’ve lost in the fight to protect it.
i can't let you in- i swore never again.
i can't afford to let myself be blindsided.
i'm standing guard, i'm falling apart
and all i want is to trust you.
show me how to lay my sword down
for long enough to let you through.
here i am, pry me open.
what do you want to know?
i’m just a kid who grew up scared enough
to hold the door shut
and bury my innocence.
but here's a map, here's a shovel,
here’s my achilles' heel.
i’m all in, palms out, i’m at your mercy now and i'm ready to begin.
i am strong, i am strong, i am strong enough to let you in.
i’ll shake the ground with all my might,
i will pull my whole heart up to the surface.
for the innocent, for the vulnerable,
i'll show up on the front lines with a purpose.
and i’ll give all i have, i'll give my blood, i'll give my sweat-
an ocean of tears will spill for what is broken.
i’m shattered porcelain, glued back together again,
invincible like i've never been.
Ryan is the genius that is Sleeping at Last and he dives in DEEP to the creation of this song for the Enneagram Type 8s (which is what I am) here on his blog. Here are some of my favorite books and resources:
The Sacred Enneagram, by Chris Heuertz
The Road Back to You, by Ian Morgan Cron
The Path Between Us, by Suzanne Stabile
Enneagram is (in the words of wikipedia) “a model of human personality which is principally understood and taught as a typology of nine interconnected personality types.” I’m solidly an 8 … see if you agree with The Enneagram Institute:
Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable.
At their Best: self- mastering, they use their strength to improve others' lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.
Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled by others
Basic Desire: To protect themselves (to be in control of their own life and destiny)
Enneagram Eight with a Seven-Wing: "The Maverick"
Enneagram Eight with a Nine-Wing: "The Bear"
Key Motivations: Want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation.
When stressed, self-confident Eights suddenly become secretive and fearful. However, when moving into growth, controlling Eights become more open-hearted and caring,
Type Eight Overview
We have named personality type Eight The Challenger because, of all the types, Eights enjoy taking on challenges themselves as well as giving others opportunities that challenge them to exceed themselves in some way. Eights are charismatic and have the physical and psychological capacities to persuade others to follow them into all kinds of endeavors—from starting a company, to rebuilding a city, to running a household, to waging war, to making peace.
Eights have enormous willpower and vitality, and they feel most alive when they are exercising these capacities in the world. They use their abundant energy to effect changes in their environment—to “leave their mark" on it—but also to keep the environment, and especially other people, from hurting them and those they care about. At an early age, Eights understand that this requires strength, will, persistence, and endurance—qualities that they develop in themselves and which they look for in others.
Eights do not want to be controlled or to allow others to have power over them (their Basic Fear), whether the power is psychological, sexual, social, or financial. Much of their behavior is involved with making sure that they retain and increase whatever power they have for as long as possible. An Eight may be a general or a gardener, a small businessman or a mogul, the mother of a family or the superior of a religious community. No matter: being “in charge” and leaving their imprint on their sphere is uniquely characteristic of them.
Eights are the true “rugged individualists” of the Enneagram. More than any other type, they stand alone. They want to be independent, and resist being indebted to anyone. They often refuse to “give in” to social convention, and they can defy fear, shame, and concern about the consequences of their actions. Although they are usually aware of what people think of them, they do not let the opinions of others sway them. They go about their business with a steely determination that can be awe inspiring, even intimidating to others.
Although, to some extent, Eights fear physical harm, far more important is their fear of being disempowered or controlled in some way. Eights are extraordinarily tough and can absorb a great deal of physical punishment without complaint—a double-edged blessing since they often take their health and stamina for granted and overlook the health and well-being of others as well. Yet they are desperately afraid of being hurt emotionally and will use their physical strength to protect their feelings and keep others at a safe emotional distance. Beneath the tough façade is vulnerability, although it has been covered over by layer of emotional armor.
Thus, Eights are often extremely industrious, but at the price of losing emotional contact with many of the people in their lives. Those close to them may become increasingly dissatisfied with this state of affairs, which confounds Eights. (“I don't understand what my family is complaining about. I bust my hump to provide for them. Why are they disappointed with me?”)
When this happens, Eights feel misunderstood and may distance themselves further. In fact, beneath their imposing exterior, Eights often feel hurt and rejected, although this is something they seldom talk about because they have trouble admitting their vulnerability to themselves, let alone to anyone else. Because they fear that they will be rejected (divorced, humiliated, criticized, fired, or harmed in some way), Eights attempt to defend themselves by rejecting others first. The result is that average Eights become blocked in their ability to connect with people or to love since love gives the other power over them, reawakening their Basic Fear.
The more Eights build up their egos in order to protect themselves, the more sensitive they become to any real or imaginary slight to their self-respect, authority, or preeminence. The more they attempt to make themselves impervious to hurt or pain (whether physical or emotional), the more they “shut down” emotionally to become hardened and rock-like.
When Eights are emotionally healthy, however, they have a resourceful, “can-do” attitude as well as a steady inner drive. They take the initiative and make things happen with a great passion for life. They are honorable and authoritative—natural leaders who have a solid, commanding presence. Their groundedness gives them abundant “common sense” as well as the ability to be decisive. Eights are willing to “take the heat,” knowing that any decision cannot please everyone. But as much as possible, they want to look after the interests of the people in their charge without playing favorites. They use their talents and fortitude to construct a better world for everyone in their lives.
Want to find out what Enneagram Type you are? I would suggest the Rheti text ($12 at The Enneagram Institute) or you can google to find a free version. Let me know in the comments which one you are!